In what can only be described as the most alarming news to hit Canberra since the great coffee shortage of 2019, Australian Government bureaucrats (and their minions) have entered full panic mode upon realising Indigenous native title holders now have access to mining royalty records.
A senior government bureaucrat (wishing to remain anonymous) summed it up best:
“Transparency is great in theory… but we never expected anyone to actually follow through! What if people start seeing what we do with their money? It’s just too risky.”
Rumours of document shredding, last-minute filing errors and even emergency workshops on looking convincingly surprised have overtaken government departments across Australia.
One minister (visibly shaken) gave a brief press statement:
“I assure you we support transparency… we’re just uncomfortable with it happening to us personally.”
Transparency Prevention Taskforce Activated
To mitigate the crisis, the government immediately launched the fictional but impressively named “Transparency Prevention Taskforce (TPT)” – a crack team tasked with training officials in effective information obscurity.
According to a leaked pamphlet, their training includes essential government skills such as:
- Mastering the Blank Stare: A technique to feign ignorance convincingly.
- Creative Document Losing: Advanced courses on how to misfile essential records.
- Speed Shredding: How to destroy incriminating evidence at Olympic-level speeds.
An anonymous TPT trainer explained,
“Our goal is to help public servants obscure facts convincingly and keep transparency safely theoretical
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