Uncle Bill Rocks Up Like “Mob, We Need A Yarn”, Staff Hand Him A Risk Register

Staff at the Gates Foundation say they were invited to a special “values alignment” town hall this week after Bill Gates reportedly addressed questions about his past association with Jeffrey Epstein.

Witnesses said the meeting opened with a solemn slideshow titled Lessons Learned: When Your Calendar Invites Are The Scandal, before shifting into a live demonstration of how to “delete a meeting” without deleting the headlines.

In a bid to “move forward in a culturally safe way”, organisers unveiled a three-phase Reconciliation Action Plan (RAP) for billionaire decision-making, including: Listen, Learn and Stop Letting Random Men With Complicated Vibes Set The Agenda.

A spokesperson confirmed the foundation would “centre staff wellbeing” by establishing a new committee to oversee future committees, supported by a fortnightly Working Group and a quarterly Taskforce that meets only to confirm the Working Group is still meeting.

“Bill has taken responsibility” said a foundation spokesperson… before adding “We’re also rolling out mandatory training called If It Feels Dodgy, It Is, with an optional micro-credential in Not Being A News Cycle.”

At time of publication, the foundation had reportedly commissioned a cultural consultant, a comms consultant and a fourth consultant to explain the first three consultants to the board.