In an innovative move that perfectly aligns with its proud history of colonial dispossession, Australia’s flagship airline Qantas announced a new venture:
“Data Repossession”.
Following the recent cybersecurity breach, CEO Vanessa Hudson explained:
“Given our nation’s rich tradition of taking things that don’t belong to us, it felt only natural to diversify our business strategy into stealing, sorry… acquiring, customer data.”
Industry experts praised the move for its seamless alignment with historical Australian values.
“We’ve always said Qantas is authentically Australian” noted one analyst. “This blend of colonial nostalgia with modern identity theft is simply genius.”
Qantas assured customers that much like Indigenous lands, their personal information is now “in safe hands”… though it remains unclear whose hands those might be.
But as the airline transitions from stolen land to stolen data, insiders hinted at exciting future expansions, including digital colonisation of cloud services and culturally insensitive virtual reality experiences.
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