In a groundbreaking move applauded by bureaucrats across Canberra, the Australian Department of Employment and Workplace Relations (DEWR) has officially launched its new ‘Pretendian Preference Policy’ (PPP), aimed at streamlining grants by ensuring Indigenous funding flows directly to the most non-Indigenous Indigenous organisations available.
The policy was reportedly inspired by decades of frustration dealing with authentic Indigenous-led groups who frequently insist on community involvement, transparency and worst of all, real outcomes.
“We’ve discovered that Aboriginal organisations are far more efficient when they’re managed by people with minimal Aboriginal connections” explained a senior DEWR official… “It simplifies the paperwork and besides, there’s nothing quite like receiving Indigenous grants without all that inconvenient Indigenous oversight.”
The PPP prioritises applicants who exhibit clear signs of bureaucratic alignment – such as extensive use of acronyms, untraceable ‘community consultations’, and logos featuring culturally ambiguous dot paintings downloaded from clip-art sites.
Applications are reportedly sorted using a new “Pretend-o-meter” technology that awards bonus points for organisations run by government insiders or those who’ve attended at least three Indigenous cultural awareness training sessions led by white facilitators.
When asked if the policy might unfairly disadvantage genuine Indigenous enterprises, the spokesperson chuckled…
“Authenticity is great on paper, but it’s highly overrated in practice.”
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