Canada Solves Colonialism By Arguing Residential Schools “Not That Bad, Eh?”

In a bold step toward reconciliation with absolutely no one, a small but noisy group of commentators has announced that residential schools were “exaggerated”, apparently hoping that if they gaslight history hard enough it’ll just politely disappear.

“Sure, children were removed, abused and forbidden to speak their languages,” one pundit said. “But have we considered my feelings about being mildly uncomfortable?”

First Nations leaders responded by pointing to, you know, the survivors, the graves and every single piece of evidence ever.

“We already did the truth part,” one chief said. “We’re waiting on the ‘reconciliation’ bit, not the ‘did it really happen though?’ sequel.”

The federal government, desperate to look proactive, has proposed a compromise: a new law making it illegal to deny the existence of denial.

“Anyone caught saying denialism doesn’t exist will face serious consequences, including a strongly worded press release,” a minister promised.

Meanwhile, border agencies continue enthusiastically detaining First Nations people travelling near the U.S. border, “just in case”.

“Look, we might not believe the schools were that bad” one officer explained, “but we absolutely believe an Elder carrying ceremony items is a threat to national security.”

Asked what would finally convince them, denialists suggested “more research”, preferably carried out by people who were never there and don’t know anyone who was.

“Until then” one added, “we’ll keep an open mind – as in, open to any version of history where we’re never responsible.”