The government has proudly rolled out its latest anti‑poverty masterstroke: a one‑off grocery rebate designed to defeat decades of food insecurity for the price of a mid‑range city brunch.
“Thanks to this payment, families will finally be able to purchase one (1) lettuce and maybe sniff some grapes,” a minister beamed, standing in front of a graph that went straight down.
In Nunavut, locals watched the announcement in silence, then went back to working three jobs to afford a cucumber.
“I checked the price of milk this morning,” one parent said. “Pretty sure my rebate covers the barcode.”
Officials insisted the policy was evidence of their deep commitment to Indigenous wellbeing.
“Some people say we should fix freight costs, support local hunting, or let communities design their own food systems,” the minister explained. “But have they tried… vibe‑based policy?”
To prove the rebate’s impact, the government released a promotional video showing a smiling family standing in front of full supermarket shelves.
“We filmed it in downtown Ottawa, because representation matters,” the media team clarified.
Inuit advocates suggested an alternative experiment.
“Send each MP to live up here for winter with just the rebate and a Woolies rewards card,” one organiser said. “If they survive, they can keep their job.”
At press time, the minister confirmed the government was “listening closely” and would consider “forming a committee to explore the idea of maybe doing something one day, resources permitting”.
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