Climate Summit Amazed To Learn Indigenous People Invented Sustainability Ages Ago

Delegates at a high‑profile Climate Summit have reacted with shock to the discovery that Indigenous peoples have, in fact, been managing ecosystems sustainably since roughly forever.

“During a breakout session, someone mentioned traditional fire management, river caretaking and not bulldozing everything,” one attendee said. “We were like, ‘Wow, groundbreaking new ideas!’ Then they pointed out it was just… their normal culture.”

Aboriginal, Amazonian and Arctic speakers patiently explained concepts like “don’t poison the water you drink” and “maybe don’t cut down the last tree”.

The audience responded with a standing ovation and absolutely no policy changes.

Tech CEOs at the summit were especially impressed.

“We’d love to partner with Indigenous communities,” one billionaire announced. “Our app will let them report environmental destruction in real time so we can send them targeted ads for solar panels.”

When Elders suggested simply giving land back and following Indigenous law, negotiators frowned.

“That sounds quite radical,” one whispered. “Is there a way to do that without altering anything we currently do?”

Organisers later unveiled the final communiqué, which “acknowledged the invaluable knowledge of Indigenous peoples” and “thanked them for their meaningful participation”, before committing to nothing specific.

“We’re moving at our own pace,” a delegate said. “Unfortunately our pace is ‘extinction but polite’.”