Labor Celebrates Larger Majority by Launching ‘Close Enough’ Gap Initiative

Following a sweeping electoral victory, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese proudly unveiled Labor’s revolutionary new approach to Indigenous policy – the “Close Enough” Gap initiative.

Addressing a cheering crowd, Albanese enthusiastically announced the government’s excitement to continue its long-standing tradition of doing essentially nothing, proudly noting,

“We’ve already spent three years masterfully avoiding real action… and now we’re thrilled to NOT Close the Gap for another three years!”

“… For decades Australia has mastered the fine art of almost but not quite achieving meaningful progress” Albanese said with pride.

“Indeed, why risk our long-standing tradition of near-success by actually closing gaps in health, education and life expectancy for Indigenous Australians?”

Consequently, under the new initiative Labor promises to rigorously uphold a system of symbolic actions, token gestures and beautifully written reports that maintain the appearance of progress without ever truly threatening the status quo.

“In fact” Albanese continued, “we’ve found the key to national unity lies in the comfortable familiarity of perpetual disappointment.”

Furthermore, the Prime Minister assured the public that this approach would save taxpayer money.

“Practically speaking” he explained, “attempting genuine equality is quite expensive…. so doing just enough to say we’ve tried (without achieving anything substantive), fits neatly into the budget.”

Moreover, Albanese emphasised the emotional benefits of consistently underperforming.

“It’s like watching your favourite sports team lose year after year because you expect disappointment… and it becomes comforting in a strange way”, he added reassuringly.

But ultimately, Labor’s new ‘Close Enough’ Gap initiative (bolstered by their reinforced majority) guarantees Australians three more years of comforting continuity: consistently failing Indigenous Australians, now with renewed enthusiasm.