One Nation Vows To Protect “Real, Traditional Australia”; Traditional Owners Delighted To Finally Have The Backing

A One Nation campaign to “defend real, traditional Australia from the inner-city elites” hit an unexpected snag this week when the nation’s actual traditional owners enthusiastically signed up to help.

“Mob’s rapt, honestly” said Uncle Trev, leaning on a ute outside Shepparton. “Finally a party that wants to protect traditional Australia. We’ve got 65,000 years of it. Where do we sign? We’ve got the songlines, the boundaries, the lot. Native title’s basically the original border policy.”

Campaign volunteers were reportedly “thrilled but also somehow not” by the surge of Indigenous support, with one described as “frantically Googling whether they meant that kind of traditional.”

A fictional spokesperson clarified that the party’s vision of “traditional Australia” began “around the time of the second Bunnings, possibly the first Coles.”

“We told ’em we’d defend the heartland” said Aunty Bev, organising a sausage sizzle to welcome the new allies. “This IS the heartland. We’re the heart. We were here for the audition.”

The party has since announced a review of the words “traditional,” “heritage,” “born here” and “always was,” and is expected to pivot to defending “values,” which it is confident no Aboriginal person has ever held.