Former Minister Devastated By Coercive Intervention; First Nations Offer Quiet Round Of Applause

Former Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has resigned as ANU Chancellor, citing “coercive threats” and “increasingly contemptuous intervention” in the university’s affairs — a phrase that caused mild whiplash across Aboriginal Australia.

“Coercive intervention, ay?” said Aunty Margaret, setting down her tea very carefully. “Funny. We had one of those. Two thousand and seven. Came with the army, the welfare card, and a sign telling everyone what we weren’t allowed to buy. Ours didn’t even get a scathing letter in the Herald.”

First Nations readers expressed deep, almost tearful sympathy that a powerful person had, possibly for the first time, been told what to do by a regulator without being consulted.

“It’s a real journey, isn’t it,” said Uncle Phil, dabbing his eye in a way that was technically respectful. “One minute you’re running the show, the next some authority’s making decisions about your future, over your head, in your own house. We call that ‘Tuesday.'”

Bishop’s allies described the intervention as unprecedented. Traditional Owners described it as “precedented, extremely, several times, federally, on us.”

At press time, the mob had warmly welcomed Ms Bishop to the Coerced Intervention Survivors’ Club, noting the meetings are quite full, the trauma is intergenerational, and unfortunately there are no famous shoes in the merchandise.