“Not a Super Event,” Says Bureau; Aunty Points Out the Last 60,000 Summers Weren’t Sponsored Either

Australia’s weather agency has downgraded this year’s El Niño from “super” to merely “strong” a rebrand one Arrernte Elder compared to “calling a flood a damp.”

“They’ve got tiers now” said Aunty May, studying the bulletin like a menu. “Super El Niño, strong El Niño, regular El Niño… next they’ll do a loyalty card. Buy nine droughts, get the tenth fire-season free.”

The Bureau noted that a “super” event requires sea temperatures two-and-a-half degrees above average, whereas this year’s model is merely warming the ocean an “acceptable” amount — language Aunty May described as “the most relaxed anyone’s ever been about a kettle.”

“Our mob managed water and fire on this continent for longer than anyone can count” she said. “No satellites. No press conference. Just knowing. Now there’s a whole department to tell us it’ll be hot and dry, which (and I cannot stress this enough) we could already see out the window.”

She paused. “Imagine reading Country for sixty thousand years and getting overtaken by a bloke with a green screen and an arrow.”

At press time, the Bureau reassured the public the event was “nothing to worry about,” prompting every farmer and firefighter in the country to begin worrying immediately.Australia’s weather agency has downgraded this year’s El Niño from “super” to merely “strong,” a rebrand one Arrernte Elder compared to “calling a flood a damp.”