Couple Swims to Island, Discovers It; Indigenous People Worldwide Report Powerful Déjà Vu

Indigenous people across the globe reported a powerful, almost supernatural sense of déjà vu this week after a wealthy American couple announced they had “found” an island by swimming to it, hiking it barefoot, and being “captivated.”

“Hang on” said Gamilaraay historian Lena, squinting at the news. “Rich people arrive by boat, go for a little walk, declare the place discovered, then announce a billion-dollar development while the locals protest outside? Nah. Never heard of anything like that. Completely original concept. Someone should write it down. Maybe on a plaque. Maybe at Botany Bay.”

Experts confirmed the discovery technique (known formally as the Cook Manoeuvre) has a long and decorated history, though modern practitioners have updated it by replacing the flag with a podcast appearance.

“Back in the day you needed a tall ship, scurvy and a Crown charter” said Lena. “Now you just need a friend’s boat and a private equity firm. Colonisation’s really been disrupted by the startup economy.”

Albanian protesters have reportedly been offered solidarity, banners and 238 years of detailed notes from Aboriginal communities. “First tip, the accompanying letter reads: “when they say the island’s uninhabited, check for the military base, the flamingos, the turtles and the several thousand angry people out the front. Terra nullius has a shocking fact-checking department.”