Nation’s Happiness Peaked When Everyone Stayed Home on Their Own Country; Blackfellas Say “Told Youse”

A landmark survey revealing Australians were most satisfied during the pandemic has confirmed what Aboriginal people have argued for 65,000 years: staying on your own Country, slowing down, baking bread and only seeing your immediate mob is the optimal way to live.

“Five-kilometre radius, deep connection to your local area, knowing every tree in your neighbourhood personally?” said Noongar wellness consultant Tash Hayden. “That’s not lockdown, that’s culture. Youse invented Caring for Country and called it ‘the Bunnings click-and-collect era.'”

Hayden has since launched a consultancy charging corporations $40,000 to learn “ancient mindfulness techniques” described in the brochure as “sitting down, having a yarn, and not flogging the land for profit.” Uptake among mining companies remains low.

KPMG analysts said happiness collapsed once restrictions lifted and the cost of living soared, proving Australians can endure anything except rent. Hayden offered a traditional solution: “We had a no-rent economy going for sixty-five millennia. Worked great. Then some fellas turned up with a flag and now a one-bedder in Marrickville costs a kidney.”

The report recommends Australians reconnect with what truly matters, ideally before it’s leased to a developer.