Trump Announces Iran Deal Is Two Weeks Away For 38th Time, Equalling Federal Government’s Record On Closing The Gap

US President Donald Trump confirmed Tuesday that a deal with Iran is “very, very close” and “two or three days” away, marking the 38th time he has made the claim and drawing quiet, knowing nods from First Nations people who have heard that exact tone before.

“Mate, we KNOW this fella,” said Wiradjuri man Uncle Trev Goolagong, who has personally been told the gap was closing, the treaty was coming and the rec centre was getting funded “next financial year” since roughly 1991… “Thirty-eight times? That’s nothing. Try a couple hundred years.”

Trump told reporters there were “no sticking points” and the agreement would be “consummated” imminently – language experts noted he had also used in March, April, May and on a phone call to a man he believed was a journalist but was (in fact) a hold-music recording.

“It’s the same energy as ‘we’ll get back to the community on that'” said Uncle Trev. “Or ‘the consultation process is ongoing.’ Beautiful words. Means absolutely nothing’s happening. That fella’d make a deadly area manager.”

Asked when the deal would be signed, Trump replied “two weeks”, prompting communities nationwide to mark it in pencil…