CANBERRA, ACT – The Department of Home Affairs has today clarified its visa assessment process following the arrival of a US streamer banned across multiple jurisdictions. The new framework reportedly operates on a “feel it out” basis.
A senior departmental spokesperson explained the decision was reached after extensive consultation with absolutely nobody.
“We assess each application on its merits,” said the spokesperson. “And by merits we mean follower count, podcast appearances, and whether anyone in the office had heard of them at school pickup.”
The clarification arrives as the same department continues processing routine applications from Indigenous community advocates seeking to attend international Indigenous rights forums. Average wait times now approach the lifespan of the Closing the Gap framework itself.
“Look the system is consistent,” the spokesperson added. “Consistently activated by Murdoch headlines. Consistently delayed by anything else.”
Sources within Home Affairs report the new “vibes-based” pathway will sit alongside existing categories. These include the long-standing “we’ll get to it after this election cycle” stream and the popular “ask us again when 7.30 calls” track.
Dave Sharma was reportedly briefed on the development and is understood to be drafting a strongly worded press conference for sometime next week.
Tony Burke is yet to comment having reportedly told staff he was “across it” before being seen Googling the streamer’s name in the chamber.
The Department confirmed it remains committed to a fair and transparent immigration system. This is provided you define those terms loosely and ask no follow-up questions.
A formal review is expected to be announced then conducted then ignored then announced again before the next budget.
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