Largest Denaturalisation Push In Modern American History Confirmed To Exclude Only Group Who Could Legitimately Ask Where Anyone Else Is From

WASHINGTON – The United States Department of Justice has confirmed it is pursuing the largest denaturalisation campaign in modern American history targeting more than 300 citizens for the crime of having become American slightly more recently than the people deciding who counts as American.

The push which forms part of a broader citizenship crackdown including birthright restrictions enhanced FBI vetting and proposed banking citizenship checks has been presented as a defence of “the priceless and profound gift of American citizenship” by an administration largely composed of descendants of people who showed up between 1620 and 1924 with no paperwork and a strong work ethic.

“It is essential that we know exactly who is in our country and what their loyalties are” said a senior administration official whose great-grandfather walked off a steamship at Ellis Island holding a sandwich. “We owe it to the original Americans.”

The original Americans being referred to are not Native Americans who were granted statutory citizenship in 1924 a mere 132 years after the Constitution and have been informed via Solicitor General courtroom mumble that they remain “I think so” included.

Indigenous communities watching the proceedings from sovereign lands they never ceded reported a mild sense of déjà vu noting that being asked to prove you belong somewhere your ancestors lived for 20,000 years before anyone arrived to ask the question is a classic colonial format.

A spokesperson for the administration confirmed the denaturalisation effort would not extend to descendants of the Mayflower passengers who arrived without visas papers or invitation but expressed enormous gratitude for the ceremony.

The First Peoples of this continent never asked for paperwork.

The continent never asked them to leave.