WASHINGTON, USA – Former Democratic congressman Eric Swalwell has announced his resignation from the US House of Representatives just 48 hours after suspending his own campaign for California governor. Constituents are reportedly confused, having been unaware he was running for anything.
Swalwell said the decision came after “deep reflection and a long look in the mirror”, followed by a shorter look at his polling numbers.
“I want to spend more time with my family, which is a phrase men use right before we don’t do that…” one political staffer explained, speaking on condition of anonymity and plausible deniability.
Aboriginal commentators noted the saga bore resemblance to every second Closing the Gap review. Announced with fanfare. Quietly shelved. Followed by a statement about “next steps” no one asked for.
“Deadly move brother” said one mob elder watching CNN at a servo in Dubbo.
“Quit before they sacked ya. That’s leadership.”
Republicans who had prepared three years of opposition research are now holding a fire sale on unused attack ads.
Swalwell has not confirmed his next venture, though rumours suggest a podcast is imminent. Rumours always suggest a podcast is imminent.
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