Government Celebrates ‘Meaningful Progress’ After Missing 79% Of Own Targets

CANBERRA – The Australian Government has released its latest Closing the Gap report showing four of 19 targets are on track. Officials describe this as “meaningful progress” using a definition of meaningful that has not yet been peer-reviewed.

“We’ve delivered record funding” a government spokesperson said at a press conference held in front of a large banner that read PARTNERSHIP in bold letters. When asked what the record funding had achieved they gestured broadly at the banner.

The report revealed adult incarceration rates have continued to climb. Aboriginal people are now imprisoned at more than 10 times the rate of non-Indigenous Australians. The government says it is addressing this by “investing in community-led justice reinvestment” which sources say is code for “funding a pilot program in one location and calling it national.”

One highlight of the report was the Low-Cost Essentials Subsidy Scheme which has made 30 grocery items cheaper in 117 remote stores. Community members noted this was great news and asked whether the government planned to do anything about the other 4000 items that still cost three times the city price.

The 2026 Implementation Plan promises to double the Remote Jobs and Economic Development Program from 3000 to 6000 jobs. A spokesperson said the government was “building on what works” though they declined to explain what specifically was working given only four targets are being met.

The report runs to several hundred pages. A spokesperson confirmed that a shorter summary was available for ministers who prefer not to read things that make them uncomfortable.