Traditional Owners Sue For Wittenoom Clean-Up After Government Offers “Thoughts, Prayers, And A Free Brochure”

PERTH – A new taskforce has been urgently assembled to “consider the possibility” of cleaning up Wittenoom, following a legal action by Traditional Owners seeking remediation on Country that has apparently been treated like a national storage unit for consequences.

The taskforce, titled the Inter-Agency Coordinated Framework for Future Consideration of Potential Remediation Options (Phase 1A), will meet fortnightly in a boardroom with excellent catering and no windows, then publish a 73-page “listening summary” confirming everyone agrees asbestos is “not ideal”.

A spokesperson for the Minister’s office said the government understands the community’s concerns and has responded with a “comprehensive package” including a fresh email address, a downloadable PDF and a promise to “work closely with stakeholders” until the heat-death of the universe.

Local residents reportedly welcomed the renewed momentum, noting they have been hearing the phrase “active planning is underway” since the invention of the ute.

In a statement, the taskforce also announced it would trial an innovative clean-up method known as Moving It From One Place To Another Place, pending an environmental assessment, a cultural heritage review, a budget bid, a second budget bid and a ceremonial opening of a new filing cabinet.

“We’re committed to practical outcomes” the spokesperson said. “That’s why we’re starting with the most achievable deliverable: a logo.”