Archaeologists shocked to discover Maya were just smart Indigenous mob, not space cousins

Guatemala City, Wednesday – New research has revealed that the ancient Maya were not a mysterious vanished civilisation that built a few pyramids, predicted the end of the world and then politely disappeared so tourists could take photos.

Instead, archaeologists now say the region held thriving cities, complex farming systems and millions of people who somehow did all this without needing a single documentary presented by an English man in a linen shirt.

For decades, popular theories suggested the temples were built by lost tribes, visiting astronauts or one very determined bloke with a rope, largely because it sounded better in late-night television specials than “Indigenous people did science and town planning”.

A spokesperson for the discipline of archaeology said the findings were “groundbreaking, in the sense that we finally read what Maya people have been saying about themselves and then pointed a laser at the jungle to double-check” adding that previous explanations were “a bit gammon, hey”.

The updated story frames the Maya not as a collapsed civilisation but as people who survived invasion, disease, land theft and centuries of being asked if they still do human sacrifice “for the culture”.

Researchers say the next stage of the project will involve listening to contemporary Maya communities first, writing journal articles second and only then allowing streaming services to pitch series titled “Ancient Megacity Apocalypse: Actually Not An Apocalypse At All”, preferably with at least one Maya auntie on the review panel to say “nah, do it properly”