NSW Police Launch “Equal‑Opportunity Bashing” Program

In a bold step for diversity and inclusion, NSW Police have announced they will no longer reserve excessive force exclusively for Indigenous Australians and people of colour.

“We’ve listened” said a senior spokesperson, carefully adjusting their hi‑vis empathy vest. “The community told us we’re racist. So we’ve expanded our brutality to everyone. That’s reconciliation.”

The policy shift was unveiled at a recent Sydney protest, where officers trialled the new “punch across the spectrum” approach on a visibly shocked white bloke in a business shirt.

Onlookers say the man appeared confused as fists rained down. “At first he thought he’d accidentally wandered into a remote community” one witness explained. “Then he realised, nah, this is just the future of inclusive policing.”

NSW Police say they’ve updated training manuals accordingly. New recruits are reminded that “all lives matter” when it comes to being shoved, pepper‑sprayed and thrown into the divvy van.

“We used to target mob and brown people out of, you know, habit…” admitted the spokesperson. “But in 2025 we’re committed to sharing the love. If you’re breathing and mildly inconvenient, we’ll rough you up.”

The government has praised the reform as “a major step forward”, noting that complaints about racial profiling will now be met with a simple response:

“How can it be racist if we smash everyone?”

Experts warn that this still doesn’t address over‑policing of Indigenous communities. NSW Police say they’re open to feedback.

“As soon as regional towns get the same number of latte‑sipping protesters as the CBD, we’ll happily extend our equal‑opportunity flogging out bush too.”