World Leaders Agree Indigenous Peoples Are “Central To Everything” Except Decisions, Money, And Power

GENEVA – In a historic statement released after yet another global summit, world leaders unanimously agreed that Indigenous peoples are “at the heart” of every policy that does not actually involve them.

The declaration was signed in a room containing 400 diplomats, 3 avocado canapés and zero Indigenous delegates, due to “capacity constraints”.

“We absolutely centre Indigenous voices,” said one official, while standing directly in front of the only microphone. “Their wisdom guides us as we do the exact opposite.”

The final communiqué promises:

• A new Indigenous Advisory Council, which will meet once, on Zoom, during someone’s lunchbreak.
• A Listening Tour, where leaders will briefly nod at Elders before racing off to a golf fundraiser.
• A glossy brochure featuring stock photos of smiling brown children who definitely did not sign a media release.

Asked if Indigenous communities would have veto power over destructive projects on their lands, a spokesperson replied: “Absolutely not… but we will deeply acknowledge their feelings in a pre‑recorded video.”

The summit concluded with a powerful minute’s silence, slightly undercut when organisers used the time to check emails and book flights to the next climate conference, conveniently located on yet another sacred site.