Inuit Politely Decline Being Bought Again, Ask If Colonisers Kept Receipt

Inuit across the Arctic have responded to fresh talk of foreign powers “taking control” of Greenland with a carefully worded statement: “Bro, we’ve actually tried that model before.”

Global headlines lit up after yet another powerful white man suggested Greenland would be “better off” under a different flag, presumably one with more eagles and missiles on it.

Diplomats were quick to reassure Inuit that any future takeover would be “modern, efficient colonialism” featuring advanced technologies such as apps, drones and climate‑controlled conference rooms.

“In the old days they just turned up with boats and smallpox” one official explained. “Now we do it via press conference and investment brochure. That’s progress.”

Inuit leaders have counter‑offered to purchase the United States, citing concerns about political instability, rising seas and the urgent need to protect endangered species like the functioning democracy.

“We’ll manage it as a nature reserve” one leader proposed. “Limited hunting of billionaires allowed, catch and release only.”

The proposal includes strict rules: no drilling in sacred sites, no pipelines through communities, and absolutely no reality TV stars in charge of anything more dangerous than a selfie stick.

Asked whether they feared upsetting powerful governments, Inuit representatives shrugged.

“We already live with melting ice caps, food insecurity and global powers arguing over our home like it’s a Black Friday deal” one said. “At this point, what’s another gammon offer in the inbox?”