In a courageous act of retroactive bravery, federal politicians have united to condemn an attempted bombing at a First Nations‑led Invasion Day rally… more than a week after the device landed in the crowd.
MPs were shocked to discover that throwing a homemade explosive into a peaceful mob of Aboriginal people is “actually pretty bad”, sources confirmed.
“We take this extremely seriously” one backbencher said. “Especially now that it’s polled badly in three marginal seats and Grandma has asked about it on Facebook.”
The motion stops just short of using the word “terrorism”, with some MPs worried that if they label a racist attack as terror they may have to start treating other racist attacks as terror too.
“We can’t rush these things” another MP explained. “First you wait for the headlines to cool down, then you check if the attacker has brown skin. If not, it’s a complex lone‑wolf mental‑health incident. That’s just the process.”
First Nations communities have cautiously welcomed the condemnation, noting it’s a step up from the usual response of “thoughts, prayers and stronger penalties for protestors”.
“Next time someone tries to blow us up” one organiser said, “maybe they could condemn it while we’re still running.”
Parliament is now expected to move swiftly on to the next urgent item: a motion recognising the trauma experienced by MPs forced to read the words “Invasion Day” out loud.
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