NT Youth Justice System Proudly Announces It’s Working Exactly As Designed

Officials in one northern jurisdiction have rejected criticism that their youth justice system is “failing Aboriginal kids”, insisting it is, in fact, performing flawlessly.

“Our goal is to funnel disadvantaged children into overcrowded, under‑resourced detention as early and as often as possible,” said a spokesperson. “On those metrics, we’re smashing it.”

The government pointed proudly to its key performance indicators:

• Children as young as ten being charged.
• Kids spending longer on remand than their actual sentence.
• Old Royal Commission recommendations gathering dust in a filing cabinet labelled “Too Hard / Too Blak”.

Critics from the community legal sector suggested maybe the aim should be fewer children in cells and more kids in safe homes, schools and culture‑based programmes.

“Interesting concept,” replied the spokesperson. “But where would we put all the razor wire we’ve already bought?”

In response to allegations that they’re breaching children’s rights, the government has proposed a compromise: a glossy brochure about “Closing the Gap in Youth Outcomes”, featuring stock photos of smiling kids who definitely don’t live there.

“People call this system a failure, but we prefer the term ‘highly efficient pipeline’,” the spokesperson added. “Every time we lock up another ten‑year‑old, we’re investing in our future adult prison population. That’s long‑term planning.”

When asked if they’d consider raising the age of criminal responsibility, officials said they were open to it, just as soon as the children concerned finish serving their adult sentences.