The Australian Government has unveiled plans for a “nation‑leading truth‑telling process”, carefully designed so that no one in power will have to hear anything too upsetting, change policy, or give anything back.
Under the model, First Nations people will be invited to share stories of invasion, massacres and stolen children into a purpose‑built recording device known as “a filing cabinet”.
“These testimonies will be deeply respected” said the Minister for Symbolic Healing. “They’ll be stored safely in a secure basement until such time as they can be adapted into a tasteful eight‑part drama for a streaming service.”
Non‑Indigenous Australians are encouraged to engage with the process by liking a post about it and then returning to their regularly scheduled long weekend.
Asked whether the truth‑telling body would have any power to compel documents or recommend land returns, the minister laughed.
“Let’s not turn this into a witch hunt” they said. “It’s more of a vibe audit.”
In a bold innovation, the final report will be released on a Friday afternoon in December, ensuring maximum impact on the nation’s collective conscience for at least 45 minutes.
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