Amazon Government Shocked Indigenous People Prefer River To Billionaire Barges

Officials promoting a massive new waterways project were left baffled this week after Indigenous communities along a major river objected to the idea of turning their home into a high‑speed highway for soybeans and billionaires.

“We thought they’d be thrilled,” said a spokesperson for Big Logistics. “Instead of peaceful river life, they could have constant noise, oil spills and tourists on jet skis yelling ‘woo’. Some people just hate progress.”

Local leaders pointed out that the project threatened fish, forests, sacred sites and basically everything that makes life possible.

“Apparently the real issue is that we’re standing between a rich man and his fifteenth yacht,” one community member explained.

To ease concerns, the government promised “extensive consultation”, defined as “one Zoom call during lunch with someone who once visited the region on Contiki”.

Environmental impact assessments are already under way.

“Our experts have confirmed there will be absolutely no negative consequences,” the spokesperson said confidently. “We reached this conclusion before looking at any data, to avoid bias.”

In a compromise proposal, Indigenous groups offered to redirect the shipping route slightly.

“We suggested the containers travel straight through Parliament instead,” one leader said. “Plenty of empty space in there.”

At press time, the project’s backers remained optimistic.

“Sure, there’s resistance now,” they admitted. “But once the forest is gone and the river’s poisoned, people will realise it was inevitable. That’s sustainability.”