In a fresh display of geographic optimism, the United States has reportedly renewed its interest in buying Greenland, assuring Inuit across the Arctic they’ll be allowed to keep “some of the chill bits”.
According to leaked briefing notes helpfully labelled NOT A COLONIAL GRAB, the proposed deal would give Washington access to strategic shipping routes, mineral wealth and a lifetime supply of dramatic drone footage of glaciers collapsing.
“Inuit will absolutely be consulted about which iceberg they’d like to retain partial symbolic ownership of,” one U.S. official said. “We’re imagining a really collaborative process, maybe a colouring‑in competition.”
Inuit leaders responded by gently reminding everyone that Greenland and the wider Arctic already have owners, and they are not the Pentagon.
“We’ve lived here for thousands of years,” one leader said. “If anyone should be putting offers on the table, it’s us. For the right price we could consider selling Florida. Needs work, but lots of coastline.”
Canadian and Danish politicians welcomed the renewed interest as an opportunity to issue very serious statements about sovereignty before approving another mining licence.
Meanwhile, Inuit communities organised solidarity marches, community feasts and language classes, in a radical move experts are calling “acting like the land is already theirs because it is”.
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