U.S. Government Kindly Allows Native Americans To Prove They’re From Here, Actually

Following a spike in immigration raids, Native Americans across the country have been advised to carry tribal IDs at all times, just in case they need to prove to a 3‑month‑old federal agency that they belong on their 10,000‑year‑old homeland.

“It’s simple,” said an Immigration spokesperson. “If they can’t show the correct laminated rectangle, how are we meant to know they’re not the ones who arrived uninvited?”

Many Native people are quietly thrilled.

“I’ve always wanted a card confirming I exist,” one elder said. “Land, treaties, sacred sites – that was nice. But plastic? That’s real sovereignty.”

The new reality has created awkward moments at checkpoints.

“When the officer asked how long I’d been here, I said ‘since the glaciers left’,” one woman reported. “He wrote ‘vague’ on his form.”

To streamline things, officials are considering a special line at the border marked ‘Citizens Whose Ancestors Literally Welcomed Yours’.

“We don’t want to cause offence,” insisted the spokesperson. “We just need order. And by ‘order’ we mean ‘a system where the original inhabitants must ask permission from their guests’.”

In related news, history teachers have been instructed to update textbooks.

“We’re adding an important new chapter,” one explained. “It’s called: ‘We Seriously Have Some Nerve.’”