Government Stunned To Learn Prisons Not Magical Healing Crystals For Māori

Te Pāti Māori’s call to abolish prisons has shocked government officials, who were apparently under the impression that locking people in concrete boxes automatically heals intergenerational trauma.

“For decades we’ve used the scientifically proven method of ‘chuck them in the clink and hope’, ” said one senior bureaucrat, shuffling a stack of untouched justice reports. “Are you telling me that didn’t work?”

Officials admitted they had never actually asked Māori communities what they wanted, assuming the answer was “longer sentences but with slightly nicer uniforms”.

Te Pāti Māori suggested radical alternatives such as housing, education and not being racist.

Critics labelled the idea “dangerous” and “unrealistic”.

“If we stop building prisons, what will we name after our donors?” asked one lobbyist. “The ‘Affordable Homes For Whānau’ Stadium just doesn’t hit.”

Elsewhere, Pākehā commentators expressed concern that closing prisons would lead to “chaos”, defined as “Māori not being over‑represented in every negative statistic for five seconds”.

In a compromise, Cabinet is reportedly considering a pilot program where one small town tries life without prisons for a year.

“If crime goes down, we’ll absolutely roll it out nationwide,” the Minister promised. “Or we’ll quietly bury the report. We’ll see how we feel.”