WORLD LEADERS HOLD URGENT MEETING TO SCHEDULE FUTURE LISTENING SESSION WITH INDIGENOUS PEOPLES

GENEVA – In a historic breakthrough for doing the absolute bare minimum, world leaders have gathered for an emergency summit to urgently schedule a listening session with Indigenous peoples sometime in the next 25 to 40 years.

The “Global Indigenous Engagement Pathway (Draft For Consultation About A Possible Roadmap)” commits nations to begin meaningful dialogue once they have finished signing new mining licences, hosting climate conferences in resorts, and unveiling tasteful statues of themselves.

“We hear the pain, the intergenerational trauma, the calls for land back,” one leader said, consulting a briefing note headed TALKING POINTS – EMPATHY. “That’s why we’re proposing a bold, three‑step plan: Step one, announce we’re listening. Step two, commission a logo. Step three, sunset the programme quietly when no one is watching.”

The draft communique promises to “explore options for considering the possibility of discussing” land reform, provided this does not interfere with existing arrangements such as free trade agreements, defence pacts or golf memberships.

Indigenous delegates welcomed the development in the same way you welcome a brochure: technically it exists.

“It’s good they’ve finally recognised us,” one delegate said. “Now we just need them to recognise borders, treaties, languages, sovereignty, water, housing, health and the last 500 years. Shouldn’t take long.”