PUNDITS HORRIFIED AS TE PĀTI MĀORI SUGGESTS FIXING SYSTEM INSTEAD OF JAILING IT

WELLINGTON – Political commentators across the country have been rushed to hospital suffering from severe outrage after Te Pāti Māori unveiled a policy to eventually abolish prisons and spend the money on things that stop people going to prison.

The radical proposal, described by one columnist as “literally illegal”, would shift funding into housing, healthcare, education and communities, instead of concrete boxes with inspirational murals.

“If we start addressing poverty and racism, what will talkback callers yell about?” gasped one radio host, clutching a ratings graph. “We’re talking about the possible extinction of my entire personality.”

Opposition MPs warned the policy would create a dangerous precedent in which governments are held responsible for outcomes.

“Today it’s prisons, tomorrow it’s schools, next week they’ll be asking why Māori are over‑represented in every bad statistic we’ve ever produced,” one MP said. “Where does it end?”

Te Pāti Māori co‑leaders calmly explained that prisons aren’t working, which experts have been saying out loud for several decades.

“We tried locking people up for generations,” one said. “It mainly produced more trauma, more crime and a thriving private security industry. How about we experiment with not doing that?”

Critics remained unconvinced.

“If we fix the root causes of harm,” said another commentator, “how will we know who to be scared of when we’re walking past our own reflection in a shop window?”