Leaked memo: “12 practical ways to grow profits from Indigenous disadvantage (without saying ‘profit’)”

After announcing seven new Ambassadors and debuting a Community Ambassador stream, an internal Indigenous Literacy Foundation (ILF) memo (printed on ethically sourced optimism) outlines the next phase of revenue‑positive literacy. The memo cites the CEO’s view that the Ambassador program is “pivotal” to engaging donors and stakeholders, and places the 2024 Astrid Lindgren award on every second page as a watermark.

The 12‑step plan (excerpts):

1. Rename problems as pipelines. “Disadvantage” = Opportunity Funnel.
   
2. Swap nouns: donations → recurring revenue, volunteers → brand advocates.
   
3. Ambassador Bootcamp: teach the Five Photo Poses of Impact: the crouch, the circle, the hand‑over‑heart, the book‑to‑camera, the award cameo.
   
4. Community Ambassadors are “proximity validators”: keep the phrase Community‑led on the cover page, keep the head office on the bottom line.
   
5. Measure what sparkles: introduce KP(E)—Key Performance (Emotions)—to replace boring delivery metrics like pallets and pages.
   
6. Award Arbitrage: convert the 2024 trophy into impressions at 1:500 rate; round up.
   
7. Boardroom Bingo: stakeholders, amplify, voices, journey, impact. Shout “Bingo” quietly; we are a charity.
   
8. Budget optics: put Freight to Remote Communities on page 8 of the deck; put Ambassador Montage on page 1.
   
9. Sponsorship tiers: Board Book, Picture Book, Limited‑Edition Signed Tote.
   
10. Glossary cleanse: “profit” becomes impact surplus; “PR” becomes storytelling.
    
11. Quote shield: always open with a line from the CEO about “key stakeholders and donor communities” (works for any topic).
    
12. Context box discipline: add a real link or two so the satire reads as plausible policy—then end on a gag so no one sues.
    

Payoff: The memo finishes with a reminder in bold:

“We are not here to make money… we are here to make money come to us.”