Welcome to another episode of Shark Tank: Government Spend.
Today’s pitch is Yarpa Hub, a visionary project that raised $20,350,000 to secure 15 subscribers.
The founder (NSW Aboriginal Land Council) steps in, blazer crisp, confidence ironed.
“Our total addressable market is everyone. Our conversion metric is vibes.”
The first Shark leans forward. “So, $1.356 million per subscriber?”
The founder nods… “but each subscriber has a lifetime value of Transformation.”
Another Shark asks about churn. “None. We don’t let them unsubscribe.”
Applause from the public gallery.
A spokesperson from the National Indigenous Australians Agency appears as the celebrity judge. “At this rate, we’ll Close the Gap in no time,” says the highly paid bureaucrat from Canberra, while handing over a giant novelty cheque shaped like a KPI.
“Where did the money go?” a Shark asks. The founder smiles. “Impact architecture. Stakeholder choreography. A brand book with 87 pages on respectful kerning.” They unveil a logo refresh that looks like the old logo rotated 12 degrees to the left.
The Sharks lean in. “I’m out,” says one.. “but I’ll consult for a day rate.”
Another offers $5 for a 0.00000001% stake in outcomes.
The house band plays an inspirational jingle called “Sustainable Synergies.”
Final verdict: fully funded.
Another round of Indigenous funding was well spent.
Satire, inspired by the real world…
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