ANZ Reaches $150 Million Milestone, Guarantees at Least 1% Actually Benefited First Nations

In a heartwarming display of corporate generosity, ANZ today announced that its First Nations Guarantee program reached a spectacular milestone, guaranteeing a total of $150 million in funding for Indigenous businesses – aleast, theoretically…

“At ANZ, we’re deeply committed to Indigenous economic growth”, explained a bank spokesperson enthusiastically, “and we promise that at least 10 percent of these funds might eventually, someday, reach genuine Indigenous-owned businesses, provided they can navigate our six-tier application process, pass numerous identity tests and outsmart a fleet of overpriced consultants.”

The milestone has received rave reviews from the consulting industry, middlemen and businesses that proudly maintain at least one employee with a vague ancestral connection to Indigenous communities. Indigenous entrepreneurs, meanwhile, continue to remain optimistic that actual benefits might someday materialize.

“Honestly, it’s very exciting” said one Indigenous entrepreneur. “At the current rate of progress, my great-grandchildren will likely see some benefit.”

Critics suggest ANZ’s new guarantee strategy could spark real change, if they accidentally direct more funding to actual Indigenous-owned enterprises…

But the bank remains confident, noting that the “goodwill and PR value alone” is already making significant strides in its annual corporate responsibility reports.