WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning twist, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) announced today that, after extensive review of historical records, it has discovered America itself is illegally occupied – and promptly deported its entire agency back to Europe.
“We were shocked to find out the land we were guarding was stolen property” said ICE spokesperson Brad Hawthorne, speaking from an emergency deportation raft drifting somewhere in the mid-Atlantic. “Given our strict adherence to immigration laws, the only ethical option was to deport ourselves”.
The mass self-deportation operation began yesterday at dawn.
Agents reportedly raided their own homes and offices, hastily gathering belongings before boarding hastily constructed deportation boats and a confused Coast Guard watched helplessly, uncertain whether to applaud or intervene.
“The irony was simply overwhelming” admitted Hawthorne via satellite phone.
“Here we were enforcing strict immigration policies on others, only to discover we were the real undocumented aliens.”
In their wake, Native American communities expressed cautious optimism while gently advising remaining government agencies to carefully reconsider their own immigration status.
At publication, members of Congress were seen nervously Googling their own family histories, attempting to determine exactly when their ancestors had landed – and on whose land.
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