In a clear display of synergy and teamwork, the Albanese Labor government’s recent multimillion-dollar investment into the NRL to tackle Indigenous inequality has been neatly counterbalanced by Melbourne Storm’s ownership funding anti-Indigenous lobby groups.
“We believe in symmetry” announced the Prime Minister at a press conference.
“If the government closes the gap too quickly, it might accidentally trigger equality… but thankfully, Melbourne Storm has our back.”
Brett Ralph, co-owner of Melbourne Storm clarified the club’s stance:
“Cancelling the Welcome to Country ceremony and investing in groups opposed to Indigenous rights is our humble contribution to ensure any accidental societal progress doesn’t disrupt Australians’ weekend football.”
Social commentators praised the collaborative effort.
“It’s a stroke of genius” one white analyst from Sky News noted.
“Just as Indigenous communities finally see potential progress from Labor’s NRL funding, Storm ownership intervenes to balance it out perfectly… keeping things exactly as they’ve always been.”
When questioned about the ethics of the arrangement, Labor spokespersons reassured reporters:
“We’re committed to equality – but slow and steady… and ideally, over several centuries.
This delicate balancing act is precisely how we maintain Australia’s beloved tradition of promising change without ever delivering it.”
Senator Thorpe (visibly unimpressed) summarised the policy succinctly:
“It’s not reconciliation; it’s gap preservation.”
Storm management responded enthusiastically promising further cancellations of Indigenous acknowledgements “just to be safe”.
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