Pope Jacinta Price I: Peter Dutton’s Divine Appointment to Cut Waste in Heaven

Heavenly bureaucracy faces audits as new Pope targets inefficiencies in angelic operations.

Following intense pressure to demonstrate efficient heavenly governance, Peter Dutton has announced a bold and unprecedented divine appointment: Pope Jacinta I.

Renowned for her earthly zeal in fiscal conservatism, Pope Jacinta immediately announced plans to audit heaven’s notoriously lax spending practices.

Firstly, unnecessary miracles are to be reviewed and streamlined.

“Do we really need water turning into wine every weekend?”

Pope Jacinta asked during her inaugural heavenly press conference.

“Surely a single annual miracle would suffice.”

Additionally, angelic administration came under scrutiny, with seraphim and cherubim reportedly nervous about potential layoffs.

But Jacinta explained clearly that cutting inefficiencies does not necessarily mean fewer angels, merely fewer angels standing around singing all day without measurable outcomes.

And despite reassurances, Indigenous communities questioned whether her reforms would genuinely reach marginalised heavenly residents, pointing out that heaven (like Canberra) has a record of neglecting remote and regional areas.

Nonetheless, Pope Jacinta remains steadfast, promising a leaner and more responsive heaven… at least, in theory!