In a bold display of selective compassion, the Australian Government has announced it will redirect more than $100 million in aid to help people in the Indo-Pacific, while Indigenous Australians politely ask, “Remember us?”
Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong explained: “We had to make hard strategic decisions… like choosing exactly which crisis abroad is more Instagrammable and where the money might vanish most photogenically.”
Back home, Indigenous Australians observed record-breaking suicide rates and skyrocketing numbers of children in out-of-home care… though the government clarified they’re not ignoring the problem: “We simply prefer to fix things far away, where the problems aren’t as confronting and the beaches are nicer.”
The government spokesperson reassured Indigenous communities:
“Don’t worry, your problems are also on our radar – just significantly further down our to-do list, right after fixing global warming and mastering teleportation.”
Meanwhile, Indigenous Australians are reportedly considering applying for foreign aid themselves – hoping their distance from Canberra qualifies them as “foreign enough”.
Priorities, Australian Style:
- $370 million to humanitarian crises overseas.
- $0 new funding for suicide prevention in Indigenous communities.
When asked why they wouldn’t just spend the money at home, a government official whispered:
“We’d love to… but spending abroad looks way more heroic on the news, and frankly, the selfies just wouldn’t be as good in Alice Springs.”
To further comfort Indigenous Australians, the government has promised symbolic gestures – like naming a new committee or planting a tree – to ensure Indigenous issues feel adequately noticed without requiring actual funds.
At press time, Indigenous communities were advised not to expect aid until they can convincingly rename their communities with sufficiently exotic-sounding titles that politicians can proudly mispronounce during speeches.
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