Liberal Party Confirms Making Sense Is Not a Prerequisite for Leadership and Never Has Been

CANBERRA – The Liberal Party has moved swiftly to reassure its donor base that Andrew Hastie’s recent outbreak of common sense does not reflect official party policy and will be dealt with accordingly.

Hastie sparked panic across the Liberal establishment on Sunday after telling Insiders that big business had “lost its social licence” and that there was “no medal” for making a last stand for neoliberal politics. Senior party figures described the comments as “deeply concerning” and “the worst thing to happen to the Liberal brand since voters found out what we actually stand for.”

“Andrew has clearly been spending too much time in his electorate talking to real people” one unnamed frontbencher said. “We’ve warned him about that before. Nothing good comes from listening to constituents. It gives you ideas.”

Party insiders confirmed that Hastie’s trajectory follows a well-documented pattern in Liberal politics known as the “Competence Curse” where any MP who demonstrates strategic thinking and an ability to read the room is immediately sidelined in favour of someone who owns a nicer suit.

“We had a perfectly good system” another source said. “You get elected. You defend the mining sector. You call Labor reckless. You lose. You blame the media. Andrew has gone completely off-script by suggesting we should actually win.”

The party’s research division confirmed that the last Liberal leader to publicly make sense held the position for approximately four hours before a factional meeting was called and a former merchant banker was installed instead.

Hastie reportedly sealed his fate when he suggested the party should stop “reactively slapping down” the concerns of ordinary Australians. “That’s literally our brand” said one staffer. “If we stop doing that what are we even here for?”

Meanwhile Angus Taylor has confirmed he remains the party’s preferred leader after successfully avoiding both the interview and any public position on anything for the past six weeks.